Heavy Blue
A woman meets a wolf in the heavy blue light of an otherworldly forest
Gina Gidaro (she/her) is a creative writing graduate and an emerging writer and photographer from rural Ohio. She enjoys playing video games, watching Asian dramas and anything spooky. Her work has appeared in magazines and online zines such as Swim Press, Boats Against the Current, Musing Publications, and Sphere Magazine. If she's not writing her own stories, she is probably obsessing over someone else's... or eating an excessive amount of Nutella. More information can be found at ginagidaro.wordpress.com.
This story was originally published in Glass Enclosures (2019).
She woke with her arms spread wide on the cool forest floor, her body both tired and alive, like she had been running and then reborn. Her fingertips dug into the soft soil, leaves crunching beneath them and dirt finding its way under her nails. With heavy eyes, she looked up at the stars.
Constellations sprawled out before her on a dark canvas. She attempted to reach up to trace one, only to find that her body was firmly stuck in the dirt, like she was being slowly sucked in. With great effort, she freed herself, and with a stiff back, she skimmed her eyes across the landscape and was welcomed by the darkness of the forest and the clicking of its insects.
Her mind was a blank slate. She tried to remember things, but there was something blocking her from her memories… a wall of some sort. So she walked. Where do you go when you have no destination? she wondered. She ventured lightly into the forest on bare feet, but it was impossible for her to feel lonely. Someone was watching her, following her. Several times, she would catch a shadow in the moonlight that wasn't hers, she would hear a crunch of leaves when she had taken a pause, a low howl when the darkness became too dense...
She took her time through the forest, wandering aimlessly under the watchful gaze of the moon. There was a constant stillness, like the silence between ticks on a clock. It wasn't until she heard the low growl behind her that she stopped. She had expected this; wild animals live in wild forests. The coyote stood several feet away from her with matted, light brown fur and tall, pointed ears. It looked dirty and skinny and tired, but its lips curved around its narrow snout, fully prepared for a feast. She assumed there wasn't much of her to feed on. She was also dirty and skinny and tired.
Frozen in the creature's spell, she didn't move until it sprung toward her. She went as fast as her numb feet could carry her, swerving around trees, stepping on sticks and rocks that cut into her flesh and lifeless things that stuck to her now-wet feet. Up ahead, a cliff presented itself. With a hasty glance back at the approaching creature, she knew her options were little to none. Jump or be jumped.
A waterfall. It was a waterfall.
The bottom of her foot curved along the edge of the rock and her toes squeezed together and for a second she wondered why she was alive, wandering aimlessly through a dark forest. It was the first time she recognized her own heartbeat. She fell down and down and down until she hit the water and then went down some more. The world went black and muffled. She cupped her hands and shoved water out of the way, searching for oxygen. There was no way to tell which way was up or down, but then she remembered the moon, hanging proudly above and reflecting its light off the world… so she opened her eyes and followed the light. Fish ogled at her with curious eyes, wondering why she would want to leave their lovely water land. You have a place here, they seemed to say. Don't go, don't go.
But she went. She dragged herself out of the shimmering water and wondered again why she was alive, falling through the sky with birds and swimming with fish. Why are you alive when you don't know what you are living for? she wondered. Her fingertips dug into the wet sand as she relieved her lungs of water. The Lupus constellation blinked over her. The forest was quiet and still and waited for her.
She thought about trying to catch a fish for food but couldn't find it in her to crave it. It was her instinct to eat, wasn't it? She had a stomach. She was human, after all, wasn't she? When was the last time she ate? Or craved food? When was the last time she craved anything at all?
When she was ready, she picked herself up and resumed her journey through the forest. It awoke with her arrival. It sang to her; beautiful, terrifying melodies. It was a wild forest, she knew. With wild things living inside. She trudged on, skeptical of her journey and her purpose, lost and alone, in a murky and treacherous forest that hosted wild things.
There was still something following her.
The moon cast a heavy blue shadow in her wake. She followed it, and at last, when she turned to catch the mysterious culprit, she captured two blue orbs floating several feet away from her. They gazed at her with a curiosity she felt herself. Why are you following me? It didn't reply, nor had she expected it to. The forest seemed to stop in order to partake in the meeting of two creatures in the heavy blue shadow. The insects, birds, and fish all waited.
The blue orbs moved closer with a steady calmness, supported by four large paws and a light gray coat of fur. Its broad snout pointed to the ground as it continued to stare at her. Without fear, she reached a hand out to the wolf, causing it to twitch its nose in interest. The moon continued to illuminate them in a heavy blue and the girl wondered, suddenly, if this was why she was alive.
Then it was over when the rounded ears of the wolf flattened and it bared its sharp teeth. The girl stepped away, careful with her movements. The forest was active again, readily accepting the chaos, but she didn't. She was not prepared for it, nor did she understand why it was happening. With graceful deadliness, the wolf sprung and the girl, with an arm stretched out for protection, sunk to the ground.
She waited for the weight of death to land on her but it didn't. However, it was still there in that wild forest, and when she turned she found it in the form of her gray wolf pinned dangerously underneath the coyote she thought she lost at the cliff...
The wolf was significantly larger than the coyote, but the coyote didn't fight fair. It used sneaky and cruel ways to gain the upper hand. It knew what it was doing. It had done it before. She saw now that they had both been following her. The wolf must have been protecting her from the coyote, but the coyote tricked them both into believing they had lost it at the cliff. They had been foolish, and now they would pay for their foolishness.
As much as she wanted to help the gray wolf, the ground around her began to sink, sucking her in. She clawed at leaves and dirt in a feeble attempt to prolong the inevitable but as she witnessed the battle between the two creatures she realized then that the fatal mistake was her own. Not the forest’s, not the fishes’ or the birds’ or the coyote’s or the wolf’s. Whatever her purpose was, she had failed to achieve it. And now, the coyote was winning, and the Earth demanded her back.
The forest watched helplessly and aided nothing. Vicious snarls from the two creatures echoed through the loud darkness as the girl became too tired to fight anymore. Her body became cold and she let the Earth swallow her whole. It welcomed her back. That was the paradox of it; it was a cold place, but it always welcomed you back.
She fell for a long time, or at least, she thought she was falling. It was hard to tell when she had no concept of up and down. The constellations whipped past her, and she watched their bodies made of stars shine vividly through the night sky; the hunter, Orion, wielding his sword and shield; the vain queen, Cassiopeia, combing her hair upon her throne; her daughter, Andromeda, the chained woman; Apus, the bird of paradise, lacking feet; Lupus the wolf, being sacrificed by Centaurus to Ara; the Firebird, Phoenix, who continuously rebuilt itself from its own ashes.
Her landing was soft, like she was an infant placed lightly in its crib. Her body clung to the Earth like a hug. Her fingers stretched and she felt the crunch of leaves. She took her time sitting up, because she had learned that the forest waited for her. It was the ticking hand on the clock, but she was the mechanics behind the operation.
She felt the wall being reconstructed, her memories slipping. She couldn’t let her intuition slip along with them, so she stared up at the Lupus constellation until the heart of the wolf thumped along with hers. It was a damned forest and it was a damned world and she realized only when it was too late that when you hold a wolf by its ears the only way to keep it is to sacrifice yourself for it.
Her mind was a blank slate. She didn’t try to remember things. She stepped into the familiar stillness, the stars still lingering on her skin.
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